Let your secret fly
by BflyW
Summary: Horatio and Yelina confronts the secret of Susie and Madison. Story is set during season 3.this story is complete
1. Promises

Disclaimers and info for the entire story - only posted in first chapter:  
**Background:** season 1 and 2 - All eps that has to do with Madison and Susie. (Tweaks and Freaks, Big Brother, Money for Nothing, The oath) - There will also be talking about events that happen in season 3, but these details are not necessarily accurate...

I do write about Yelina learning the truth about Madison. This does not happen the same way as in the series, even thoug I use the same exuse to tell... I haven't seen season 3, so I can't use the details, but I had no better idea for how it would happen.

... The truth about Raymond is not yet revealed!

**Sequel:** This story follows "Taraxacum officinale", but is not strictly necessary to read that to follow this. **  
Names: **Many people write the name Suzie. On the note in Tweaks and Freaks, it is written Susie, so I go with the name written that way.  
**Parings:** none – this is pure friendship, but strong feelings are involved.

**Disclaimer:** Nope - still don't own any of them. Certainly not making money on it!

**Beta-reader:** Welly! Thank you for helping me correcting what is for mea foreign language!

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Chapter ONE: Promises.

_Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead._  
**Benjamin Franklin**

**

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**Horatio picked up the drawing on his desk and reminded himself to put it up on the wall, maybe he could even frame it for the future. The awkwardness towards Susie was finally cleared and they had established a solid friendship based on equal trust and blood bonding through Madison. It was 3 weeks since he had been invited for Susie's birthday and he found it easier to pick up the phone just to call and say good night. He enjoyed the updates on Madison's day, and also the enthusiasm in Susie's voice when she had something new to tell. Personally, it was like balsam to his soul each time she asked him how he was, and he slowly approached the point where he felt he could completely open up to her. The relationship had previously been unbalanced by the fact that she felt she owed him something, but balance was gained when he made it clear he needed them in his life, just as much as they needed him. 

Madison had also picked up on the new openness between the two adults, and was less shy in his presence than before. She had drawn him this picture as a gift to have in his office; a picture of a tall man and a small girl, and the words "TO HORATIO FROM MADISON, 6" in crayon capital letters. It was a picture of a safe world, where nothing bad could happen as long as a grown-up was watching over you. It felt good that the girl opened up to him and trusted him, so that he in return could tell her he was always there to protect her.

"You are in late." Yelina peeked into his office, her black curled hair cascading down her shoulders. He looked up from the desk, smiling at her.

"From Madison?" she asked, nodding in direction of the child's art.  
"Yes," he smiled, laying the sheet down on the desk again. He did not elaborate further, feeling that the less he talked about Susie and Madison, the less he lied to Yelina. It was a lie that started the day Madison entered his life. He was once called to a crime scene; a girl had been pulled over and meth been found in her car. She mentioned Raymond's name and claimed Horatio could vouch for her. So he did. The meth belonged to her abusive husband, Bob, and her child belonged to Horatio's brother Raymond. From that moment his life had made one abrupt turn after another, and the mess his brother had left had forced him to make him two colliding promises; The first being to protect his brother's daughter, and the second to continue protecting Yelina and Ray Jr. Those two promises he silently made that day would ache inside him every day since.

His promise to protect Yelina was harder than he had foreseen. She demanded not to be protected, she demanded the truth, and in the end he couldn't give it to her. He wasn't sure if he even knew the truth himself. Sure he knew some; he knew about his brother's daughter, and also who killed him, but he did not come close to knowing what made Raymond make these decisions in the first place.

Horatio always likes to give the victims family closure, the one thing he failed giving himself. He assumes that is what Yelina needs too, _closure_. At least he gave her a name of the killer, hoping that would give her closure enough to sleep through the nights. He, on the other hand, was left with more questions than answers. What would have happened if Raymond wasn't killed? What if he had gotten the opportunity to know his daughter? What if he hadn't been forced to stand up for Susie to her abusive husband? What if Susie had never been pulled over that night and needed someone to vouch for her? All events linked in a chain leading to somewhere Horatio did not know, and the lack of control was what scared him the most.

Some people would say he was strong. Some would admire his ability to protect the ones he loved, by carrying such a tremendous secret. No one would see that what was even harder for him than carrying this secret was letting it go.

"So", Yelina said, "I guess you have been seeing Susie a lot lately?" She asked innocently looking at the drawing again. He sensed a hint of steel beneath the soft voice. This was clearly an important question for her, and it was even a more important answer for him. While the relationship with Susie was pure and free of sexual attraction, it was not so in the case of Yelina. There had always been some sort of tension between them, even when Raymond was alive, but none of them had ever really acted upon it. Yelina truly loved her husband, and as far as Horatio knew, Raymond truly did love Yelina as well. If he had the chance, he would have liked to confront Raymond about Susie, but his murder had put an efficient stop to that, and Horatio was left to deal with the mess he had made. Truth be told, he was sick and tired of cleaning up Raymond's mess, and this time it was permanent.

"Yes, I have been seeing her a few times now," he answered, unwilling to say anything more. He wasn't comfortable letting Yelina believe there was more between Susie and himself than there actually were, but he was even less comfortable explaining.

"I am wrapping up now," he shifted subject while closing the files on the desk in front of him. "Can I walk you to the car?"  
"Yes," she smiled at him, waiting for him to finish up. It warmed him hearing that small three letter word. Not so long ago she refused being walked to the car by him, because she was disappointed in him for not telling her about Susie and Madison. That day she had spotted him with them, she instantly saw the Caine in Madison. The thought of the girl being her husband's was probably a hundred miles away, and the only reasonable explanation would be that the girl was his; especially since he obviously had a close relationship with her mother, getting a kiss on the cheek by Madison, and was helping them finding an apartment. Even he would have jumped to that conclusion if it was the other way around. He only would have liked her to have given him a chance to explain. He was so close that day, the words was even about to tip out of his tongue and hit the air when she interrupted him and told him she knew. "I know who they are," she said. "The girl, I know who she is." His heart nearly stopped in that moment, when he thought she knew about Raymond. The moment was over, and he had never found the right time, nor the courage, to correct her wrongly assumptions.

"Coming?" Her voice dragged him back to the present, leading him out of the past and out of the office. He caught up with her in three steps and walked beside her down to the car.

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Next chapter will be up soon...  
Please read and review. I would like to know what you think.  
Please be gentle with me :-) 


	2. retrospect

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**CHAPTER 2: retrospect**

_To him that you tell your secret you resign your liberty.  
_**_Anonymous_

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**The tomb stone was grey and gave no comfort today. _Raymond Caine_, His name stood out. He hated seeing it there, hated it, there was no other word for that numb feeling. Despair maybe; hopelessness. It was eternity, no way back. He knew death was forever, he saw it in his job every day, in this particular case though he was not willing to accept it.

Usually he doesn't meet people until after their death, and he learns about their life in retrospect. Usually he closes a case, knowing he has found the truth. Closing the case of the person he knew life of before his death only opened a wormhole of questions and he started doubting there was ever a real truth. The more he learned about Raymond, the more he wondered if he had known him at all, and the more he regretted letting him go. He should have protected him, shielded him, and done his job as a big brother. He did it now though, protecting his family, loving them, shielding them and guarding them.

"You should never have died, Raymond, Fuck you for dying! Who gave you the right to die!"

He rose from his kneeled down position and rose to his full height. With a deep breath he pulled all his mental strength into actual energy and shifted the focus to today.

* * *

He rang her doorbell waiting for her response. He dreaded the moment he had to tell her the truth, but the present demanded that the future claim priority over the past. At this moment he literally felt sick to his stomach and an urge to turn around was only defeated by the thought of a pale girl in the hospital bed. He had felt so helpless holding her hand. She didn't say much. Her eyes were tired. A child was not supposed to be that tired. Her eyes were supposed to sparkle, and now he was willing to do anything to she that glowed in her eyes again.

Yelina opened the door to the house and possibly opening the figurative door to Madison's future in the same act. Right now he had trouble walking through the physical door.

"Horatio, what brings you here? Did we have an appointment?"

He barely spoke to her, just shook his head to the latter question. "No appointment. No appointment, but we need to talk".  
"Everything OK? Is it Ray Jr? He's alright is he? Nothing has happened"  
He could see the worry filling her eyes, and he calmed her immediately. "Ray Jr is fine".

"Sit down," she led him in the direction of the couch "Want some coffee?"  
"Yes, please"

He happily grabbed the delay of a coffee and hoped it would build a barrier between him and the truth he was about to tell her.

"So, what's up?"

She sat above him staring straight at him across the coffee table.  
"Uh, it is Madison," he stared, "She is ill, Leukaemia."  
"Oh my God, is she going to be OK?"  
"I don't know."

He paused trying to find the words. She leaned forward trying to reduce the distance even by only a few inches. He pulled back the equal amount of space, holding his coffee cup so hard he was afraid that he might crush it.

"I am so sorry."

"They want to give her a bone marrow transplant," he looked down in the blackness of his cup.

"Any donors?"

"No," He almost stopped. "No, not yet. I wondered, I need to ask, I mean, could… could you let Ray Jr take a test? He might be a match."

"What about her mother, what about you? Surely one of you must be a match?"

He could not look her into the eyes now.  
"Horatio, don't look away. Don't do what you always do when you don't want to be straight with me. You and Raymond both, you always look away. What is it?"

"Raymond," he said, "Raymond is Madison's father".

"WHAT?"

Her now empty coffee cup broke the instant it hit the floor leaving shattered china stained the ground.

"It is not possible. I don't believe you. No. NO! NO, you hear me? NO! Don't say that. You don't dare say that!"

The dialogue had turned into a monologue and Horatio did not find any words to turn it back again. Her accent came out stronger now that she was less in control of her feelings and her eyes flooded over. It was not anger, sadness or fury he saw in her face, but rather disbelief and fear; raw fear so hard and utterly naked. It drew all the oxygen out of the air making it impossible to breath. His chest felt heavy, and his hands were shaking, a rather unusual experience for him, and a feeling that scared him beyond words.  
"Out. You get out of here now! Don't you put your foot in my house! How dare you? HOW DARE YOU?"

The door locked behind his back.

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**A/N:** thank's for the reviews!  
(Ja – det er mye dårlig norsk!)  
Next chapter up soon! 


	3. Decisions

**A/N: discmaimer in first chapter.  
**Jen - Thank you for your reviews! It is highly appreciated! I might not take  
the sory inthe direction you want, but I hope you like it anyway!

GSBS4L - Also great thanks to you! Good to know someone like my story.

Leave - I have tried to axplain her reactions in this chapter. Hope you enjoy it!

**

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CHAPTER 3: Decisions. **

_Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him._

**Booker T. Washington**

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"You don't get it, do you?" Yelina didn't wait for him to invite her in but swiftly passed him into his living room. She was fuming. 

"Get what?"

"GET WHAT!" her voice rose to an even higher level as she repeated his question. "How can you even ask that? You expect me to accept that you held back information from me?"

"I couldn't tell you!" Not sure whether he was trying to convince her or himself, he repeated himself, "I simply couldn't do it." His voice also elevated and less controlled than what he had hoped for.

"Couldn't or wouldn't?"

He had no definite answer for that, yet that did not stop him from saying "couldn't."

It was three eternally long days ago he had entered her house asking her to let Ray Jr. test as a donor for Madison's bone marrow transplant. He had known that this would change the fragile balance between his two promises, but Madison's health was first priority and her promise weighed the most on the scale at the moment. Violating his other promise was painfully necessary. He was constantly switching between blaming himself, Raymond and God for the situation he was in, but he also managed to focus on Madison long enough to know that all of the personas in that particular triangle were less important than the ill 6 year old girl in the hospital bed. When you are up against the greedy and terrifyingly strong threat that leukaemia is, everything else becomes trivial. It doesn't feel minor though, when an enraged woman is screaming at you, telling you that you are the scum of the earth.

"_Hijo de puta,_" the Spanish curse came out low in volume but intensely all the same. He did not know if she meant him or his brother, and frankly he did not care. She probably meant both, and technically, if one of them were the son of a bitch, both of them would be, being brothers and all.

"I told you not to protect me!"

"And I told you that it is not possible," he gazed at her, "you are my responsibility. I don't want anything to hurt you! Not anything or anyone."

"And yet you are the one that hurts me!"

It was a punch in his stomach. Breathing was hard. He didn't answer.

"Is holding back information your way of protecting me from getting hurt?" She practically spat at him before her body suddenly lost the enraged energy and she sank onto his couch with a silent thud. She covered her face with her hands, and her shoulders were shaking. Soundlessly crying she was scaring him more than if she had ran after him with a sharp blade. Anger and fury he could take from her, but he had never seen her falling apart before; not even when Raymond died. She was strong, independent, never willing to let anyone help her, and she was not a person to burst into tears.

At Raymond's funeral, she had stood by the casket tall, with her head held high. She had met everyone's eyes, and did not look away for any curious looks. Accusations had been made about her husband, and she had met them with a proud support for the man she married and the man she buried. He was a good man, a good cop, and he died in the line of duty. No one and no accusations were going to stain his reputation. She mourned a good man, a good husband and a good friend.

"Yes, he had been away for weeks and weeks at the time," she once told him," But that was just to protect us. Protect his family. He had started using drugs for the job. He had to. He had to be credible for those he infiltrated. Why can't people see that? Why can't they see what he sacrificed? He started because of the job, and then he got addicted. He tried to fight it. He did! And he stayed away. Away from those he loved to protect them from it. He sacrificed everything, for his job! What right do they have judging him? What right?"

Horatio wanted to hug her then and save her from those feelings. There was nothing he could come up with that would ease her pain, and he wasn't ready to add even more to it. He wanted to box away the consequences of Raymond's actions, but he needed to know for himself. He needed to know so that he could take care of the family his brother had left behind.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." He couldn't meet her eyes.

"But you did, on so many levels." Her voice was low now. " First of all: you letting me believe Madison was your daughter. Your daughter, Horatio! Don't you think I was hurt by believing that you had kept that a secret from me? You are my family. I thought we shared what was really important in our lives, and suddenly you had me believe I was left out on something _that_ important. It hurts! And though it's not, it true doesn't matter! It doesn't make it less painful. Because it hurt even more that you could keep something so important that my husband had a child a secret from me."

"I didn't….. I didn't know what to say."

"How about the truth?"

"I thought the truth would hurt you even more."

"The truth may be cruel, but a lie is always a hundreds times worse Horatio. Did you honestly believe you could keep this from me forever? Don't you realize, that the pain only grow as the time goes by, and I have even more to process now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Since Raymond died, you have been there for me, I can trust you. I admit things have been weird between us; you're a handsome man, Horatio. I thought maybe, well, I even hoped at one time that there might be more between us. I think you did too."

He only granted her silence.

"Then a daughter appeared? I don't care if that was true or not, you let me believe it was true, so for all I knew, that was reality. I felt betrayed. I did! I didn't know what else you might have withheld. And now… I get actually get confirmation on that, you did hide more; a whole lot more!"

"I am so sorry!"

"Sorry doesn't cut it." She wiped her eyes raising her voice again. "Who died and made you God? Who gave you the right to choose how much information I should have about my marriage? MY MARRIAGE! You hear that? It was my marriage to fight for. It was my marriage to lose. It was my marriage to fail! Not yours! Not fucking yours!"

He tried to reach out a hand to her, but she brushed it away.

"I don't just mourn the loss of Raymond's life; I mourn the loss of the life I thought I was going to have with him and the life I had with him! I had plans Horatio! Those plans included your brother; some of the plans revolved around him! And they were based on the life we had together! I lost that! And I am dealing with that loss. And now you are telling me that I might not have known that man as well as I thought. It makes me question not just _who_ he was, but also the _life_ we had together. I am not sure who I lost anymore, and I can't just ask him, now can I? I have to figure out for myself what part of my life that was real and what was a lie, and to do that I need to know the truth. I though I was about to close that part of my life and go on, but now, thanks to not knowing the truth before, I have to start all over again. I have to figure out who I lost and what I lost. Who I am supposed to miss now? I could have been over it by now, but you robbed me of that opportunity!"

"I didn't realize..."

"No you didn't!" She interrupted him, "you just went on deciding on your own what was best for me, for my son! Even for Madison! It was not your decision to make! _You_ don't get to decide how I shall deal with my life! My marriage! Yes, you were his brother, but I was his wife! _His wife_, Horatio! Don't you ever forget that! I have clearly been left out of the marriage long enough! Not any more and certainly not by someone who was not even a part it!"

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TBC 


	4. Progression

A/N: I am so sorry for the late update! I have struggled so hard even writing a word down, and what I have come up with is not good! It is not betaed, and English is not my native language. Please forgive all errors.

Sorry for the really bad last chapter of this story!

Chapter 4: progression

_Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt. _

_Mary McLeod Bethune _

Horatio let a week pass before he approached Yelina again. She had let Ray Jr. test as a donor, and to everyone's relief he was a match. The operation gave no guarantees, but increased Madison's chances, and the dark cloud hanging over their head seemed to finally disappear. The operation was to take place in just a few days, and Horatio could not let it go by without making an effort to be friends with Yelina by that time. Ray Jr. deserved both their support, and so did Madison. The bone marrow transplantation is painful both for the donor and the receiver, and it was a very brave act on Ray Jr's part. It was probably even braver that he did it without questioning the fact that Madison suddenly appeared as his half-sister, and Horatio wondered whether the boy had observed more in his parents' marriage than anyone had been aware of.

"Yelina," Horatio said as she opened the door.  
"Horatio," she didn't slam the door in his face, that was a good sign, but she did not invite him in either.  
"Can we talk?"  
"I don't think we have any more to talk about"  
"I do," he answered taking one step towards her. "I do."

She took a step outside and closed the door behind her, making it clear he was still not welcome in her house.  
"Talk," she said.

"I am sorry," he met her eyes making sure she saw his sincerity.

"I know," she looked straight at him, but with a straight face he could not read.  
"I do realize now, that I have been wrong in so many things."  
"Yes you have."  
"There is no excuse for the way I handled it."

"Yes there is." This answer totally took him by surprise and he almost chocked on it. He had prepared a long serenade of excuses in his head and fell out of track by her change.

"What?" he said, fully facing her.  
"There is," she repeated her statement. "There is many excuses Horatio, and I might have done you unjust too!" She looked at him straight in the eyes before turning away.  
"No. No you were right," his voice stern now.

"Yes I was, but there isn't always just one right way. There isn't always right or wrong. We were just on different places Horatio. You had the time to digest the information, you never gave me the same, and I probably need even more time than you. You were ready to move on beyond the shock, while I had it just thrown in my face without given the opportunity to process it." Her eyes wet as they met his.

"What are you saying?" He stood still now, almost holding his breath.

"I love Ray. I still do. And I miss him. Every day I miss him, and I want to remember him the way he was when we got married. I don't know for sure what happened those last years when he stayed away from us periods at time. I don't know if we were number one in his life anymore. I hope we were. I even think we were. I _need_ to think we were. I just haven't figured out where this woman, Susie, and her daughter fit into the equation. You seem to be okay with it though, and that made me angry, still does. How can you just accept them like that? Don't you care what she did to your family? Don't you care what _he_ did?"

"I do"  
"Then how can you be so okay with it?"  
"You have just answered your own question Yelina. I had time. I wasn't okay with it. I was angry at first, but I had the luxury of not being the betrayed party here. He was my brother, you were his wife as you so eloquently explained to me just a week ago. I could keep my feelings at some distance and focus on the child. Madison is innocent, she's just a child, and she needed me when I first met her. When all comes to all, Ray Jr. and Madison are both my family, and they are equal family, and they can't take the blame of their father's mistake."

"But Susie? I am so angry at her."  
"I know, and you have all the right to be."  
"Aren't you? How can you?"  
"Not any more I am. Not any more. She has changed, Yelina. The woman she is today would never have done what she did, I know that. If I hadn't been forced to act properly because of Madison, I would probably not have given her a chance either, but I had to do right by Madison, and therefore I have had the privilege to be forced to getting to know Susie as well. What I have witnessed is a 180 degree change in her life. I can't be angry at the woman she is today. I am not even sure I am angry at the girl she was back then either, I honestly think it was meth and fear acting on her part. What I am having trouble with still is Raymond's part in it, but I truly believe he loved you and only you. Susie has never given me a reason to believe otherwise, and Raymond never did either. He was a man of honour when he grew up, he was when he married you, and he died that way, I know that. I won't accept anything else. Not from the brother I knew."  
"He had a child with another woman Horatio. How am I going to accept that? And how can I get passed that when he is not here to tell me the truth?"

"I don't know. I don't know. We can only believe we knew who he was. Never doubt the man you knew."  
"And the evidence? A living child is pretty strong evidence, don't you think?"

"Only evidence of a sexual intercourse, it says nothing about true feelings. You said it your self, he stayed away weeks at the time. He did it to protect you and Ray Jr. I think you were right. I think he loved Susie in a way, but not like he loved you. He did truly love you Yelina. I could always tell by the way he smiled when you were around and how proud he was of you and Ray Jr. But he did see the good in Susie, and I do believe Madison is a result of a mistake made by two people in an unusual situation."  
"Adultery isn't that unusual"

"No, and unfortunately, domestic violence isn't either."

"What?"  
"Susie's husband wasn't exactly treating her well. I think Raymond protected her. He was her haven, and she might have thanked him in ways she shouldn't. For Susie, I think Raymond became the only safe anchor in her life, and I think for Raymond to protect her, and to stay true to his undercover story, had to play close to her. And living that out must make an impression. She wasn't any anonymous case; she was a name and face, and a living person. It must have had an impact on him. He did care for people, which are one of the reasons we both loved him so much. That was Raymond, he always cared. He shouldn't have gone as far as he did. I must believe meth has something to do with that, and not seeing his family for weeks, I find no excuses, but that doesn't mean you were less important. It still doesn't mean it was OK though. God I wish he was alive so I could kick his ass!" He let it out louder than he meant to, and with a hint of broken anger in his voice.  
"Horatio!" she turned to him shocked, but with a tiny smile just beneath the surface.  
"What? He was my brother! Don't you think I haven't kicked his ass now and then?"  
"I know you have. I know he has kicked yours on a few occasions as well, but you grew up!"

"Yeah, we did, and life turned more serious, didn't it?" The tension between them was less manifest now, and his shoulder lower.  
"Yeah, life did turn serious. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be, yet here we are."  
"Indeed we are. So, where does that leave us?"

"As family I guess. I need you in my life still Horatio. I am still angry at you for not telling me sooner. But it is only your timing I am angry at. Not for wanting to protect me, even though I do feel you handled it the wrong way. But I do see you were in a tight spot here. Next time, heaven forbid there be a next time, I expect me to tell you though!"  
"I promise!"  
"Thank you." She turned to walk inside again, not inviting him in.  
"Are we OK?"

"We will be, in time. Just give me time"

"So, you are willing to forget?"  
"Not forget, moving on."  
He smiled at her. "Yes, moving on"  
"And Horatio," she stopped him while he was heading towards his car

"Yes," he turned back at her.

"Maybe you would like to have a dinner with us when Ray Jr. is up to it again after the procedure?"

"That would be fine. That would be just fine."

- the end -


End file.
